looking back...

so im sitting here in the very place i sat at this time last year. on the couch in the living room. i love this time of night. the room is softly lit and its warm and quiet. i love to just sit and think. i remember growing up at home we would sit as a family at night and just talk. no TV no music. just so quiet and peaceful. i loved those nights. as i was sitting here i began to reflect on this past year and think of all the things i went through. God has brought me through so much. i pulled out my old journal from 2008 and this is the scripture i had written a year ago. Jan. 12, 2008 1 Thessalonians 5:18 In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. ...this may not seem like such a big deal but for me, this very day last year, this scripture was a huge deal in my life. you see, "giving thanks" was'nt exactly the easiest thing for me to do. too often we take these small scriptures for granted. at least i do. as i went on to read a few other things i wrote i saw this line; "thank you Lord for everything, even the seeming trials and worries". what? what was i thinking? it seems a little insane to thank God for even the trials in your life. but looking back i know why i did. i dont ever want to forget where God has brought me from. this time last year i was in a very vulnerable place. God was changing me in so many ways and reshaping everything about me. so much of it hurt but yet it felt so good. i was'nt used to surrendering completly to him. i thought i was completely His until before i knew it i was wrapped up in my own world and so far from God without even realizing it. (at the same time still going through the motions of the "church go-er"). yes i loved God but i had become detached and disconnected.

so i thanked the Lord for even the seeming trials and worries. how do you do that? how do you say thank you when your life is crashing before your eyes and everything you love and want is shattering into a million pieces? how do you say thank you when all you can see is fear, doubt and frustration? how do you say thank you when the more you pray, the worse things get? ...Satan wants nothing more than to steal your focus. he wants to make sure you can't see. you see, God has so many things in store for us to bless us with. if our eyes are blurred by the things of this world, how are we going to see what God has for us? we have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. dont look at your circumstances and everything that surrounds you... look up. know that God is in control. He will bring you through this again.

Lord i thank you. i thank you for loving me when i was unloveable. i thank you for careing for me when i had no hope. i thank you for holding me when i cursed you. i thank you for forgiving me when i sinned. i thank you for carrying me when i was weak and feeble. You are my strenght Lord. i want to be like you. i dont want people to see me, i want them to see you. change my heart Jesus. continue to break me and mold me. im yours. completely yours. i love you Jesus