a simple smile...

can you really smile when you're sad? new years eve will mark the 3 year anniversary of my moms death. im still just as crushed and heart broken as i was the night i watched her take her last breath and leave this earth. you don't "get over it"! it does'nt work that way. i was forced to wake up each day knowing i would never see her again as long as im on earth and that's not easy! it flat out sucks! i hate it! i just want to scream. but that does'nt help. i've tried.
i grew up in a christian home with great parents who loved each other. me and my sister were raised by parents who were not only just "church go-ers" but were servants as well. my mom was one of those ladies who pretty much did everything. she had a heart for children and taught sunday school for many years and lead worship in the church. as i watched her i never understood how she could be so involved with everything and still find time to be such a wonderful mother to me and cassie. but she did it! she was amazing! she never missed one of my sporting events and was just simply always there!
i am my mothers child. now that im getting older people tell me all the time how i look just like my mom! sometimes i catch my grandpa staring at me and i can just see the sadness in his eyes because i remind him so much of my mom. i see my dad looking at my hands just to have that little reminder of how my mom looked. i have her hands. sometimes when i laugh i hear her laughter in me. we used to laugh all the time! that makes me smile. and of course, when im playing softball and look down at my calves i see my moms legs! no joke.. lol! sometimes i just stare in the mirror and see Kathy Lee looking right back at me! crazy i know...
3 years ago today... it was exactly one week before Christmas and my mom had'nt been able to do any shopping because she was'nt feeling good. being the determined woman she was, she insisted that she Christmas shopped no matter how bad she felt. she said as long as she was breathing she was going to "live"! dad drove her into bakersfield and i met them at Kohls. dad brought her a wheelchair because she was too weak to walk and shop. i pushed her around that store a hundred times it seemed! even in her weakness she managed to make me laugh the entire time and we had a blast! i quickly learned that day that i was not exactly and expert at pushing people in wheelchairs. i think i ran that stinkin wheelchair into everything and everyone that was within 9 feet of us! it was kinda funny now that i think about it! mom my saw some friends of hers and as we stood in the middle of the store pretty much taking up the entire isle, my mom assured her friends that she could walk but she was just in a wheelchair because she was weak. i guess she was a little worried of what people were thinking. me and mom loaded that wheelchair up with so many gifts! by the time we were halfway done shopping, i couldnt even see my mom anymore under all the gifts! it was awesome! :) i pushed her to the check out stand and we unloaded and asked them to hold everything while we continued to shop some more. we were finally done and dad paid the bill. normally dad would have flipped by the amount that my mom was spending but this day money did'nt matter.
when mom and dad got home (back in wasco) my phone rang. it was my mom. she was crying and said that the house had been robbed. my mom had left her purse at home because she didnt need to have it since dad was taking care of everything and the theifs took her purse along with several other things in the house. i couldnt believe it! i was so mad! really? God is there some reason this is happening to us? i thought...
Christmas Eve... we spent Christmas Eve at Cassie's house. i got to Cassie's early to help her with a few things to get ready for the family to show up. i saw out the window that my mom and dad were pulling up. i watched as my dad helped her out of the car and into the wheelchair once again. it made me sad. we all ate and opened gifts and tried to act as if nothing was wrong but in the back of my mind i knew this could be my last Christmas with my mom.
New Years Eve... we took my mom to the hospital the night before New Years Eve. things were not looking good. the next morning her doctor came to the room and talked with me, Cassie and mom. he explained to us that there was nothing else they could do. he then went on to explain what would happen to her body as she would slowly fade away. as he was telling us in detail how her body soon die, i was in disbelief. he couldnt have been more plain or more direct. i actually let the words go in one ear and out the other because i knew God was going to heal her so the whole "dying" process was unnecessary for me to know.
Party's... i called our youth staff and explained that me and Bart would not be at the party that we had been planning for weeks! i wouldnt leave my moms side. normally mom would have said, no go to the party and dont miss a thing! but i think she must have known that God was calling her home. we stayed by her side. different family members and friends came by to see her throughout the day. we said what was going to be our last prayer with mom at about 8:00pm. i saw my tears fall on her hand and even onto her wedding ring. her nails were so pretty. as she felt the tears fall on her she looked at me and said, im gonna be okay Lori. She never called me Lori. She always called me by my nickname Loco so i knew what she was saying to me in that moment. soon after we prayed i never heard another word from her. she was sleeping as we all just sad around her bed in the small hospital room and talked. me, Bart and Cassie left the room to get a snack. when we got back to the 3rd floor we just sat outside the room in the hallway on the floor and talked. it seemed as if the hospital was completely empty. it was quiet and hardly a soul in sight. At 9:00pm the Rammings called my cell phone to check and me and bart. i told them everything seemed to be going okay. we had a short conversation and hung up. at 10:00pm my dad and his 2 brothers stepped out of my moms room into the hallway. my dad called for a nurse for a check up. we all stood in the hall and waited. the nurse came out of the room after checking my mom and came straight to me. she said quietly to me, "your mom is taking her last breaths". she said it so calm and gentle. i wasnt sure of what she said and i asked her to repeat herself. again she said, "your mom is taking her last breaths". i got dad and Cassie and we walked in the room. Cassie stood on the left side of dad and i stood on the right. mom was on her side facing us. she was fading fast. it was nothing i had ever expected. it was nothing like in the movies! it was scary and sad! i watched her gasp one last breath and then i burried my face in my dads side. he was wearing a long sleeve blue button up shirt. it was soon soaked with me and my sisters tears. i took one more look thinking it was all over when i saw her breath her very last breath of air. it was over. my dad said, she's gone. and then wept as he held me and cassie so tight in his arms that it began to hurt. she died at 10:14pm
its been very hard without my mom. i miss her so much. i need her. the past 3 years have been so hard. there are so many things i could share but it would take so long. i will write about some of them soon. i know this is sad. i love to be cheerful and upbeat and make everyone laugh but this is my life too. i dont mean to bumm you out but this actually helps me. everyone grieves in different ways, this is how i grieve. i talk about it.
so the question is, can you smile when your sad? the answer; yes. you can smile when your sad. when you have God in your life nothing can take the joy that is deep within your soul. oh yeah, you get mad, hurt, angry, ticked off and want to turn to anything in this world to take your mind off of reality but then you stop and simply realize that God is the answer! it is a joy that is hard to even fathom. i think i'll stop for now then share more later.. there is so much more.. until next time... thanks for reading.